I am slipping again....sheesh...I was doing so good with keeping up. The problem lately has been my blog addiction....other people's blogs in particular. I've been avidly following the blogs of people I don't know at all. I've also been reading the blogs of people from my school, whom I have never met, and I am totally enthralled by them. It's kind of weird....because some of them I know *who* they are, but don't really know them personally at all, and several I have never even spoken to in passing. It is just so odd to read about thier inner thoughts and personal lives, I feel like a window peeping pervert sometimes. (mental image: me outside your window, with a laptop) But I get off on it..so i keep reading. And commenting. The little comment boxes are ingenious. Last night erica came over. She had told me earlier in the week that Ian and his friend Mike would be coming over too, so I spent the day cleaning my house, making sure I had snacks and beverages and such...and only Erica showed up. It didn't surprise me though....he tends to be that way. I hate those dang aloof metrosexuals. I have a speech tournament this upcoming weekend....in Peoria, I am looking forward to it. I gripe a lot....but I do so enjoy my speech outings. My friend Louis goes to ICC so he will be there to cheer me on. For all those who talk to me on AIM or Yahoo...I have a new webcam. It's a fancy schmancy Creative. Way nicer than my dinky logitech I got for $20 at Wal-Mart. My sister brought it out from Colorado. Yay for early Christmas presents. Hmmm....things are going pretty durn good with my sister being here. I have an extremely small amount of privacy which actually has turned out to be a good thing, keeps my arse in line. I love having my little nephew here...my kids like having their cousin so close. Speaking of my heathen brats...Hollie turns 3 years old on March 16th!!!! I feel SOOOOOO old...I have a 3 year old, holy moses where has the time gone. I heard a rumor that her dad was coming to see her for her Birthday, but you know how my shady ex-in-laws are...no one has told me anything. I heard it through the grapevine... (mental image: claymation raisins dancing). I almost forgot....I downloaded every New Kids on The Block song ever recorded today and yesterday. This morning I got out of the shower and danced with my hairbrush to "Step By Step" (mental image: me naked dancing with a hair brush....*shudders with disgust*). I don't know what's with my new mental image thing. Some new gimmick my retarded brain came up with just now to keep you, my faithful blog readers, amused and entertained. I don't care what anyone says...Evanescence and NKOTB rule the universe baby!!!!!

OK, now the post I want you all to read. I saw Evanescence last night!!!! We had nosebleed seats but it was SOOO great. I am very dissapointed in the Champaign crowd. NO ONE was rocking out!! Not even down on the floor...they were all just standing there like bewildered sheep. My sister and I were embarassed of it. We were up in the nosebleed rocking out, dancing and singing at the top of our lungs, and people looked at us like we were crazy. I was pissed. You are *supposed* to act like that, it's a freakin' concert for the love of Pete. After the show we decided to stalk Amy Lee (the lead singer) and we sat outside in the freezing ass cold for more than 2 hours. We were so amped on adrenaline that the cold didn't really bother us too much, because band members were coming out one by one and signing stuff and taking pictures. The very very last one to come out was Amy. By this time only a handful of people were still standing out there..and she took the time to sign everyones tickets stubs, and then we lined up and she took pictures with all of us. It was SOOO cool. I was on cloud 9 on the way home, and I was going a teensy bit fast, and WHAMMO, I got pulled over and was issued my very first ticket of my life. Allegedly, I was going 91 in a 65, which may or may not be true. I really don't know. I tried to finagle my way out of it, but he said with speeds that high he couldn't give me a warning. Someone later told me that in Illinois with a speed like that I could have gotten reckless driving, so I am lucky afterall. So there is a recap of my stinking week thus far. Hope you enjoyed.

OK, now the post I want you all to read. I saw Evanescence last night!!!! We had nosebleed seats but it was SOOO great. I am very dissapointed in the Champaign crowd. NO ONE was rocking out!! Not even down on the floor...they were all just standing there like bewildered sheep. My sister and I were embarassed of it. We were up in the nosebleed rocking out, dancing and singing at the top of our lungs, and people looked at us like we were crazy. I was pissed. You are *supposed* to act like that, it's a freakin' concert for the love of Pete. After the show we decided to stalk Amy Lee (the lead singer) and we sat outside in the freezing ass cold for more than 2 hours. We were so amped on adrenaline that the cold didn't really bother us too much, because band members were coming out one by one and signing stuff and taking pictures. The very very last one to come out was Amy. By this time only a handful of people were still standing out there..and she took the time to sign everyones tickets stubs, and then we lined up and she took pictures with all of us. It was SOOO cool. I was on cloud 9 on the way home, and I was going a teensy bit fast, and WHAMMO, I got pulled over and was issued my very first ticket of my life. Allegedly, I was going 91 in a 65, which may or may not be true. I really don't know. I tried to finagle my way out of it, but he said with speeds that high he couldn't give me a warning. Someone later told me that in Illinois with a speed like that I could have gotten reckless driving, so I am lucky afterall. So there is a recap of my stinking week thus far. Hope you enjoyed.

Sorry I never finished about my speech trip. I don't have the energy or desire to blog about the rest anymore. Basically I got sick and vomited in various bathrooms all around the Harper campus. Missed my POI round etc etc. It was horrible. And I stayed sick until about yesterday...even then I felt like crap.

You sick bastard....but it's soooo good.

What's your sexual perversion?

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Well it's Sunday and I am home from both the best, yet the worst speech trip I've ever been on. The first day, Friday, was so awesome. As we left Harper college bound for our hotel and Denny's I was on cloud 9. My favorite event was one called Group COmmunication, and it is only offered at Harper College, so it is essentially a once a year event. They put 7 people in a small room with a judge, and you are given a problem to solve as a group. There are no rules, only that you have 45 minutes to complete the task. You are being judged on your interpersonal skills, how you work as a team, how you use your communications skills to advance the groups progress, and also on non verbal communications skills, and how well you listen. Our first problem was to build a tower 36' that could support an American flag at the top and be free standing. We were only allowed to use the materials given to us in a bag. There were newspapers, various types of tape, pipe cleaners, magazine, string and clothespins. We completed our tower in less than 15 mins, then we played around and decorated it with colored pipecleaners and took pictures for 5 more minutes. It was great, plus i met the HOTTEST guy ever, named Nels. I'm in love *sigh*. I will probably never see him again, but dang, he was sooooo hot. I have to go to cracker barrel with my sister now, but I will blog about this more later.

Amazingly enough, I have nothing to bitch about today. I am sitting here freaking out about my speech tournament tomorrow. I think I wrote a dang awesome informative speech on Kangaroo Care. I feel good about this. I am not nearly as scared as I was last time...This time I only feel slightly queasy. Not anywhere near the full on nausea I experienced the night before the last tournament.
I had to miss 2 classes yesterday because of the freaking truck my sister hauled her shit across the country in, and then today, after we drove way out to BFE (Chatham) to return it, we got lost and drove over 20 miles in the wrong direction and I missed my theatre class, which happens to be my favorite class too!!! I was a little bummed out..I missed a lot of school for my sister this week, but I think she really appreciates it. I am so happy to have her here. It was like a weight was lifted from my shoulders. Finally, I have *my* own family near me. It is so awesome.
The Evanescence concert is approaching. I don't care what you say Mike...It is going to Whoop some major hiney! I am sooo psyched up for it, it's been nearly 3 years since I went to a really good concert, let alone for a band I truly love. Amy Lee is a beautiful girl, with a beautiful voice, who plays the piano beautifully. BEAUTIFUL!!!! I personally think she could stand alone as a solo artist, the band doesn't really do her justice. But I am still psyched nonetheless. I am sure I will blog about it once the post-concert haze has lifted.
I must sleep now, busy day of talking my head off tomorrow! Wish me luck.

SO, I go to Kroger tonight with my brother in law Zeb. We buy stuff la di da...get out to the car...realize I am $3 short in change. I march right back in and tell the cashier that she shorted me. She takes my receipt and change and examines them for what seems like an hour. Then she looks up at me and shrugs. I am on the verge of blowing a gasket, but I manage to keep my cool. She says, "I can take your name and number, and we'll call you if the drawer comes up over." I start to freak inwardly, but say in a smart-assed tone, "SO, we can't have our $3 that you shorted us?". The woman glares at me and tells me that they won't count out her drawer until morning, and all she can do is take my name and number. By this time I have copped a major 'tude and I am throwing drama all over the room. I give this dumb broad my name and number and she smirks at me. Zeb and I have come to the conclusion that she will probably gank the $3 out of the drawer now, just to spite me. I know it's only $3, but that's no longer the point. The point is, this random grocery store idiot can steal $3 and then shrug at me like it's not her problem. Regardless of whether I get the freakin' 3 bucks...I am going to write a letter to their corporate office and have a cow. That policy is ridiculous. When I worked at Sam Goody, and someone accused us of shorting them..a manager was called over and the drawer was counted so the problem was immediately resolved. Kroger apparently doesn't care enough about the hard earned money we are spending in thier stores, so I suggest we no longer spend it there. I am down for a Kroger boycott. Dang prices are too high there anyway. And there is my daily rant.

Valentine's Day rears it's ugly head once more. For all those that do not know...I was married on Valentine's day. A lot of people mourn their Valentine's Day, but I will not. I will use this day to be greatful I am out of my sick relationship. I won't lie, I am a bit sad, but that is because it's been just about a year now since my marriage died. This would have been my third wedding anniversary had we not divorced. Last March when I got my divorce papers served to me....I looked at what date they had been filed by him.....February 14th. What kind of sick bastard would get off work, go down to the court house and file for divorce, then stop at the store to get valentines day chocolates for his wife and pretend nothing were amiss. I was unaware he was divorcing me until I received the paperwork 3 weeks later. I had continued to live with him, cook for him, make love to him....All during the time when he KNEW damn well I would be served with those papers any day. Most people 'ask' for a divorce. I know it's kind of ridiculous to ask for one, it is not as if you can say "NO, you can't have one", but at least the other party is aware of what is to come. I had no warning at all...He showed me no signs that he was about to do that, in fact, the few months just before he filed, we were doing the best we ever had. We went to a Christmas party for his job and we sat outside under the stars and made out like high schoolers, and he told me how much he loved me and all that CRAP. And I know he meant it at the time. Whether anyone wants to admit it or not, he is Bipolar. He is. When he was on his lithium things were better. I know it is shameful to his family that he has a MENTAL ILLNESS but someone needs to damn well say it already. He knows it, and you all know it, and none of you will ever talk about it. When he was on his lithium 3 years ago, he was the most loving man I had ever known, but because he joined the military and now everyone has to be all hush hush about his ILLNESS, he is sick. The fact that he knows he has problems and refuses to acknowledge them, if not for anyone else but his kids, really disgusts me. Being bipolar does not excuse his behavior at all, especially since he is very well aware that he is bipolar and needs medication to function as a normal human being. I don't care...If any of his family is reading this..I hope you realize how sick he really is. And what is even more sick is that I loved him.

OK...The hot or not thing...Just a site I've been totally addicted to since my dad showed it to me when I was 17. He would sit there all day and rate people. You can't get enough of it I swear. I decided to put my picture up there a few months ago...But I took it down when I only got a 7...So I put a different picture up...Same thing, a 7...So a few weeks ago I put an even better picture up...And now I'm down to a 6.9. I am not happy. If you don't have your boobs hanging out, the haters that sit on there all day rating people give you a low score. I am listening to some new bands that a friend introduced me to the other day. One is Collide which I REALLY love, and Nightwish, beautiful vocals, but I'm not so crazy about everything else. There is no school tomorrow, OR Thursday hallelujah!!!! I need this time to prepare my speech team stuff, and also to get started on writing my one act play for my theatre class. I've been shirking my theatre class in a major way. I have to give an oral report soon on the history of readers theater also. *sigh* My parents divorce hearing was postponed until June due to my Mothers health. I wish they would just get it over with, they have been separated since 1997. It stresses me out listening to the both of them worry and freak out about who's going to get what. I don't want to be in the middle at all. I am also a little pissed at my dad because he doesn't seem to be worried about my mom being sick at all, and I am REALLY worried about her. I do not trust doctors one bit, especially after having Hollie and seeing how she suffered because of their negligence. I know that medicine is not 100% accurate and mistakes are made and whatnot. I am incredibly worried about my mom, and I think she doesn't deserve to be stressed out right now. I am super stressed, cranky, depressed etc, but it comes and goes. It is so easy to put on the everything-is-peachy face and go on, when all I really want to do is scream at everyone "DON'T YOU REALIZE I AM HURTING INSIDE????????" even though there is absolutely nothing anyone can do.....I dunno. I have been using this blog as a whipping boy lately. I feel some angst filled poetry coming on. I really hafta watch what I say in here though, due to 'real life' people reading it. No guys....I don't need an intervention...I am not going to kill myself or anything, but damn, I could sure use a hug. I saw Ethan in my theatre class today....Again...He didn't even look at me. Ouch. I thought we were friends. I go back and read the emails he has sent me and I can't even bring myself to believe it is the same person. Makes me sick to think about it. All I will say is.......I HATE HER.

HOT or NOT 6.9 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 260 votes Rate me!

Are You HOT or NOT?

YAY!!!! I am at the school library and Mike helped my sofa king wee todd did self to add the comments to my thingie. I am very excited right now, I could just hug him...till just now when he messaged me and made my text go into his BOX!!Grrrrrr. Ok, that will make zero sense to anyone else reading this. I want Texas Roadhouse REALLY bad, but I can't seem to justify spending that much money on food I can make at home. But I REALLLLLLLLY want it bad. I am probably gonna go. I dunno...I tried getting my friend to go with me to help me justify it, but no, he already has plans. *rolls eyes*. I am starving, and I am cranky as hell. Steak and a sweet potato smothered in caramel sauce and marshmallows sounds so delightful...and I couldn't possibly make it as good at home, right? Someone back me up here. I am probably gonna go to McDonalds on the way home. *SIGH* I am a big whiner when I'm hungry. Maybe I am hypoglycemic. Or maybe I am just a hypochondriac because I have had 'botulism' and now hypoglycemia all in one week. I am such a baby. I should head to the mall...I need some new jeans. Yeah, that's what I'll do, and If I happen to see the roadhouse on the way then, cool beans, what a coincidence! See, I am a practical, responsible girl after all. Later Taters.

test for echo....

I stole this from someone who stole it from someone else. Ahem.
1.) Using band names, spell out your name:
Kidneythieves
Eleventeen
Led Zeppelin
Incubus
Evanescence

2) Have you ever had a song written about you? no
3) What song makes you cry? One-Metallica
4) What song makes you happy? The Right Stuff-NKOTB
5) What do you like to listen to before bed? chatroom voice chat drama
6) Name a song by Coal Chamber: Big Truck
7) Who was/were your idol/s when you were younger? Elvis Presley-already deceased
8) First album you ever bought? Alanis Morrissette-Jagged Little Pill
9.)name a song that reminds you of someone and why: I Will Remember You-Sarah McLachlan-reminds me of great grandma, played about 20 times on the radio the day she died.
10) Where would you like to be right now more than ever? Someplace that doesn't smell like burning cornflakes.

a p p e a r a n c e
HEIGHT: 5'3 1/2"
HAIR COLOR: Kinda skunky
SKIN COLOR: pale
EYE COLOR: hazel
PIERCINGS: tragus, nipples, YES I SAID NIPPLES!! NO YOU CAN'T SEE!!
TATTOOS: 4, all lame and laser-worthy.

r i g h t n o w
WHAT COLOR PANTS ARE YOU WEARING?: blue jeans
WHAT SONG ARE YOU LISTENING TO?: War Pigs-Black Sabbath
WHAT TASTE IS IN YOUR MOUTH?: Vomit
WHAT'S THE WEATHER LIKE?: Slick as snot snow and ice
HOW ARE YOU?: Head hurts, post-vomit haze.

d o y o u
GET MOTION SICKNESS?: sometimes
HAVE A BAD HABIT?: I pick my nose on webcam, SURE you can watch
GET ALONG WITH YOUR PARENTS?: Yes, very very much.
LIKE TO DRIVE?:yes, but not in slick as snot weather.

f a v o r i t e s
TV SHOW: Do not watch TV ever.
CONDITIONER: Tresemme
BOOK: Angela's Ashes by Frank McCourt
MAGAZINE: Ensign
nonALCOHOLIC DRINK: IBC Cream Soda
THING TO DO ON THE WEEKEND: BLOG!
BAND OR GROUP or SINGER or RAPPER: Fav band of all time is Skunk Anansie, or TchKung, it's a toss up.

h a v e y o u
BROKEN THE LAW: yes
RAN AWAY FROM HOME: yes
SNUCK OUT OF THE HOUSE: yes
EVER GONE SKINNY DIPPING: no, i would rather slit my throat with a rusty spoon.
MADE A PRANK PHONE CALL: yeah
EVER TIPPED OVER A PORTA POTTY: no
USED YOUR PARENTS' CREDIT CARD BEFORE: no
SKIPPED SCHOOL BEFORE: DUH
FELL ASLEEP IN THE SHOWER/BATH: yes
LET A FRIEND CRY ON YOUR SHOULDER: yes

l o v e
CURRENT CRUSH: Chunk
BEEN IN LOVE?: I am unsure about that, waiting to finally figure out what Love REALLY feels like.
HAD A HARD TIME GETTING OVER SOMEONE: Umm yeah.
BEEN HURT?: abso-frickin-lutely
YOUR GREATEST REGRET: Dropping out of high school.

r a n d o m
DO YOU HAVE A JOB: no
YOUR CD PLAYER HAS IN IT RIGHT NOW: CD's I stole from the internet, currently playing Static X-love dumpling
IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE?: perriwinkle
WHAT MAKES YOU HAPPY?: Food in general
WHO MAKES YOU THE HAPPIEST? really good chocolate
WHAT'S THE NEXT CD YOU'RE GONNA GET?: whatever I get a hankering to thieve from the 'net.
WHO DO YOU CONSIDER GOOD FRIENDS?: I have no friends
WHAT DO YOU LIKE TO DO?: BLOG!

w h e n / w h a t w a s t h e l a s t
TIME YOU CRIED?: Today,over the little girl they found dead in Florida.
YOU GOT A REAL LETTER?: it's been awhile
YOU GOT E-MAIL: today
THING YOU PURCHASED: Portable peanut butter snacks
TV PROGRAM YOU WATCHED: 20/20
MOVIE YOU SAW AT THE THEATER: Texas Chainsaw Massacre

For all my adoring fans out there....it is time for yet another bitchfest. I feel sick right now. REALLY REALLY sick. Like I am about to vomit any second, but when I actually *try* to vomit nothing happens. It feels like food poisoning again, but I've only had that once in my life so I dunno, and besides that I didnt really eat much today. The smell of burnt popcorn in my house is making me extremely queasy. I burned a bag of popcorn in here last tuesday and I can still smell the stench everytime I walk in the house, and tonight it's making me wretch. This must be some kind of stomach virus. Phyllis was sick yesterday. most likely it came from one of my germy kids. I also have a headache. Maybe I have botulism. That would be fun. I know I'm not pregnant....and I don't think it's food poisoning, yes I think it is Botulism. You would have never known this had I not decided to tell you, but I just vomited up what I am sure was everything I ate for the last 3 years. And it burned, oh my dear God yes it burned. It burned like hydrochloric acid, not like lemonade Mike Hagan, no, not like lemonade at ALL. I am going to go stick my fingers down my throat some, and then I will be back to blog s'more.

You are Bella, the Romantic Goth! You would love to live in the time of Byron and Shelley. People probably call you Elvira or Morticia. But you are above them, those poor foolish mortals.

Where Are You on the Gothic Colour Spectrum?
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I HAVE DECIDED TO ATTEMPT TO WRITE MY DAUGHTERS BIRTH STORY. SHE TRULY IS A MIRACLE BABY.
When I was 18 years old, I got pregnant. Yeah, I know, I was young and stupid, but I was in love and that's all that mattered. I wanted that baby more than anything in the world, and I wanted Charley to marry me. So when I was almost 6 months along, Charley and I got married. There was no ceremony, just a long cold bus ride to get the license and a happy, quiet evening spend cuddling with eachother. We were so happy and in love, finally we thought, we are starting a family, and now that we're married we're doing it the right way. Little did we know that in a few short weeks our lives would be changed forever.
In February 2001, I was 23 weeks pregnant. Up until this point, I had enjoyed a lovely pregnancy with no complications at all, other than my due date changing all the time and a big weight loss. My doctors assured me that the weight loss was unusual, but that I would be fine. I had no appetite at all, and I just thought that was normal for a pregnant girl, with all the hormones raging. I did my best to force down vitamins and the little food I could stomach. Each time I came in for a check up it was the same thing, I had lost another 2 lbs. By the time I hit February, I had dropped down to 113 lbs. My prepregnancy weight was about 135, and to this day, I cannot for the life of me understand why this was not a huge waving red flag for my doctors to see. I started getting an appetite finally around 24 weeks along, and I was able to get my weight up to 128 lbs. My hands were swelling up a LOT, but again, I naively believed it was all just a part of pregnancy.
One day at a grocery store with my new husband, I decided to play around on the blood pressure machine while Charley shopped. My blood pressure that day was 130/90, which for me was a giant rise. I shook it off, thinking the machine was just off. At My next doctors appointment, My blood pressure was the same. I told my doctor and she agreed, it was a rise for me, but she assured me it was not dangerously high, just slightly elevated. She blamed it on nerves or something. Not even a few days after, I started having horrible pains in my chest. They were the most intense sensations of pain I had ever felt. They took my breath away, and I could not even cry out, though all I wanted to do was scream. I would sit up all night rocking back and forth and whimpering to myself. At first, a double dose of tylenol took away the pain for hours, though it ALWAYS came creeping back. With each day that passed, the Tylenol worked less and less until kit didn't touch the pain for even a half an hour. I called my doctor and was granted an appointment that day. I was given all sorts of tests, and they decided I may have an ulcer. I was given a medication called carafate and sent home. That night the wave of pain hit me like a semi and I could not think. I took the carafate and got into a scalding hot bathtub and cried. I just laid there and bawled like a baby. Thoughts of suicide actually came to me that night. I was in so much pain, I no longer wanted to live. I told my husband and he said I was being dramatic. I got even more frustrated and sunk into a depression. I didn't even want to get out of bed. I was also feeling much more tired than usual. The next day I had finally had as much pain as I could bear without killing myself, so I got on the phone and demanded to be seen at my obstetricians office. Each time a woman goes for a check up, they do a routine urine screening. This time I had protein in my urine. I was sent for more tests and It was discovered I had elevated liver enzymes. I was sent for an ultrasound of my liver and everything looked fine, so they thought maybe I had hepatitis. I was told it would be at least 2 weeks until the results were back, and just to hang in there. Right, hang in there. Their apathy enraged me, and I could feel my blood pressure numbers soar. I was 26 weeks pregnant, and very sick. And no one cared. My husband did not believe any of my ailments after that, to him I was just a hypochondriac, and everytime I claimed I 'knew' something was wrong, the doctors would send me home. He was tired of the middle-of-the-night excruciating pain routine.
27 weeks, still in pain, still no answers. Tylenol was helping again, but I felt like I was walking around in a daze all the time. My skin was chalk white and clammy, and my hands and face were puffy and sore. The pain was a dull yet constant ache right in the middle of my chest, just below the breastbone. Hepatitis tests came back negative. I searched the internet for answers. I typed in each of my symptoms into the 'search' bar and it sent me to a page about HELLP Syndrome. After reading about it I KNEW that was what was wrong with me. My husband and father laughed, said I was being paranoid, that I was going to make myself think I was sick if I kept reading about that stuff. I was counting the days until my ever eluding due date. Everytime I had an ultrasound the date would be pushed back farther and farther. The baby was not the right size for gestation. On March 15th 2001, just after 5 am, I awoke to a pain in my chest like I had never experienced before. It made me scream. My husband had to work in the morning so I went upstairs. I sat in my father's blue recliner and tried to focus my mind elsewhere, the pain was so intense. My uncontrolled whimpering caught my dad's attention, who was getting ready to leave for work and he came out to see what was wring with me. I could barely talk, but he thought it best he call the clinic for me. He tried his best to explain to the nurse what was going on and they instructed him to bring me in. I was admitted immediately after a quick blood pressure check showing sky high pressures. I was put into a dark room and only allowed to speak with one person at a time. TV was off limits, they said any stimulation could cause my blood pressure to go even higher and it was already at a very dangerous level. They called in some special doctors because my blood work showed my platelets were dramatically dropping. The magnesium sulfate I was on makes this whole period of time a big blur for me. I do remember being transported to another hospital at 7 am on March 16th 2001 after being told I had a disease called HELLP Syndrome, and I would be having my baby that day. My new doctor at my new hospital was all business. Right after getting there I was given Cervidil to start my labor. They estimated I would have my baby by nightfall. A few hours into my labor I started feeling very woozy. I don't remember a whole lot during this time, I was in and out of consciousness. The doctors decided to put my labor on hold until morning, and I was given a sleeping pill. They sent my family home and said I should just rest up for my big delivery the next day. Right after my dad and sister left and went home, I started feeling panicky. A nurse rushed into my room and started fiddling with the fetal heart monitor. After about a minute of picking up no signal at all she jumps on the phone in my room and starts barking orders. A team of people rush in and someone injects me in the thigh with a drug that makes my heart race. After waiting another minute or so, I get one more injection of the horrible heart attack drug and I am told it is to try and stop my labor. They tell me that my doctor is on his way, and that I am being taken into the OR for an emergency c-section. I kept crying, "why? What is wrong with my baby?" and the only answers I got were "DON'T PUSH!". I started to fell pressure and I told the nurses I couldn't stop, that I could feel the baby coming out. At this point I am being wheeled down the hall already in my bed, and we turn the corner into the brightly lit Operating Room. My arms were strapped down to the table, outstretched, in the position of Christ before his crucifixion. I remember saying a silent prayer, telling my husband I loved him and slowly drifting into nothingness. I awoke a few days later, with no recollection of the entire event. All the memories came back to me over a period of weeks. I had given birth to a 1 lb 3 oz (555 gram), 11 inches long baby girl. When the doctors had gone into my body to retrieve my lifeless little girl, they discovered my placenta was fully detached from my uterus. That is what caused her heartrate to drop to nothing. She was given CPR for almost 10 minutes and placed on a ventilator. My blood pressure dropped and my platelets returned to normal within a matter of days, as is the way of this mysterious illness. Little Hollie Isabela lived the first 13 weeks of ner life on mechanical ventilation and total parental nutrition. She suffered from numerous complications, and finally went home at 4 months old, weighing just under 5 lbs. At the time of this writing, she is almost 3, has endured several surgeries and lots of treatments, has speech and occupational therapy once a week and will be getting her glasses in one month. She has BPD (chronic lung disease) and has problems with oxygen saturations, though not lately. She has been on and off oxygen her whole life, but is currently off! Overall, she is doing great, and at 19 lbs, though very small for her age, she is thriving. This is a very long story as it is, but honestly it does not even begin to tap the surface of the bumpy road we took to get to where we are today. I am now a single mom, and I have a 14 month old son now as well, who was born without incident. For all those out there with a miracle story, share it, see how many lives you can touch!

I am so tired lately. I think it's just a lingering effect from the mono, or maybe it's just the fact that I don't ever get enough sleep. I am on another diet kick (going to McDonalds yesterday set me back a few days) and I am wretched and cranky as usual. I think that like diabetics need insulin, I NEED chocolate to live. I am overwhelmed with this school stuff. I keep catching up and doing really well, then backsliding again and falling behind. I am locked out of one of my on-line classes because I wan unaware I had to buy an additional $16 access code. I am broke right now so who knows when I can get back in it again.
My sister CJ will be here in just a few short weeks, and I can't wait. My own family here, wow, it will be so awesome. I know we will probably have our tiffs, we're both cancers, it's to be expected. Overall I think them moving here is a giant leap forward for them. It's so hard to make it in Colorado Springs, the cost of living is unreal, the crime is getting out of hand, and they just don't have good ol' ADM out there. I am going to sound like a giddy 16 year old, but EVANESCENCE is coming in concert here next month, and I am sooooo there. Me and Carie are gonna go, just like old times, before either of us became baby factories.
I have been neglecting my paper journal again. I can't believe I wasted so many pages in there about you-know-who. I hate it when a friendship dies. I will not hate him though, he is a total waste of my hatred. This is a very pissy sounding blog entry. I really feel quite swell today, I fudged my diet a teensy bit and had a few M&M's so my crankiness level is tolerable for the moment. I need to work on speech stuff today. I can't afford to wait till the last minute like the last time. Memorizing your stuff at 5 am the night before is not a good idea, let me tell you. I am rambling, I have seriously considered being tested for ADD because my mind is not able to cope with one thing at a time. I am leaving now before I type something I will regret, and then later have a huge hassle trying to go back in and edit.

I am so very ticked off right now. I was in a Yahoo! Chat room this very early morning, and I was just saying hi to some people I know and all of a sudden I came under attack by a booter. I was pissed, so everytime I was able to log back in, I got on voice chat and started talking smack to whoever was doing it. This went on for some time, until the bastard cracked my account. So now my micropreemiemommy ID is gone and I am very sad. I have had that ID since Hollie was born and I am attached emotionally to it. *sniffle*. I need to get a comments code for my blog. I forgot where Mike told me to go...halo something or other. Ho hum, I'm going back to bed

I just completed 1/2 of a major housecleaning project. Ever since the mono adventure, I have neglected a lot of things and I am getting them all back on track today, once and for all. If I have to make myself a chore chart complete with foil stars I will. I have class tomorrow, I have no idea what I am doing this semester. What is wrong with me???? How did I justify taking 17 credits in my mind at the time I was enrolling? I think I gave myself WAY too much credit in the self-motivation department. Taking on-line classes on top of regular ones is not a good idea. I suggest all those out there contemplating doing this look into either taking all classes on-line, or all physically in the school. It is too hard to push the on-line classes to the back burner when your professors old, lecturing face is still fresh in your mind. I enjoy my classes out at the college. Intro to Theatre is by far my favorite class. I wish I had taken Theater Production as well, but I was not aware you are allowed to take the class for either 3, 2 , or 1 credit hour. I would have gladly taken it for 1 credit and gotten done what I could. Our advisors are, to put it very bluntly, retards. They don't do much advising either, they sit and stare at you and punch in codes on their computers as you stutter about what you want to do with your life. They offer no suggestions, they just look at you and nod, then ask what classes that you want them to enroll you in. If you have no idea, you get the generic English, math, biology bit, with a humanities thrown in for flavor. Take me for example, I have officially changed my major 3 times now, and each of the 4 advisors I have seen has not questioned me once about it. I NEED GUIDANCE PEOPLE!!!! I am obviously confused as to where I am going with this, does anyone else care??? No, they punch in their codes for English, math, biology and humanities and send me away with a smile on their face. I just realized I am ranting. Onto happier things. My very very very very (times infinity) good friend, is coming to see me soon. I will call him Chunk. I call him that all the time, he likes it I swear. Anyways, he is coming to visit for Spring Break and I am excited. This is the first time I have mentioned Chunk in my blogs and I feel kind of wierd about it. I never know when the evil ex-in-laws are spying on me again. They never ask me about my life in person, they refer to my on-line activity to find out what's shakin' in KeKe's life. I live next door to one of them, you'd think she would ask me these things, but she just doesn't. She reads my blogs and my dilly page and then gossips about it to other family members, who in turn log onto their fake yahoo names and follow me around until everyone is so worked up into a frenzy that they all freak out at me. It is very stressful. I try to ignore it as much as possible, because the last time I confronted them on it, they all wigged on Abbey for telling me they were spying and kicked her out. I don't want to stir the pot, so I just leave it alone. I just wish that if they were concerned about me really, they would come to me about it and talk with me, but when I try they get defensive. So, Phyllis, Abbey, Andrea, Shelley, Angie, Kim, Mike, whoever else, if you are spying on me again, YES, there is a boy coming to see me...and I am very happy and excited about it. If you have any concerns, please see me, and not eachother. Thank you, have a nice day.